P-E-R-S-E-V-E-R-A-N-C-E

Sondheim makes me want to throw my Speak 'n Spell across the room.

Rehearsals for Into the Woods are in full swing, and if ever a void was left by the completion of my kitchen remodel, the musical has filled it. My cup runneth over. In fact it runneth over so much, I think the levies may have failed.

Being in a musical is really hard. Being in a Sondheim musical, well that's just sadistic. If you're not familiar, you're just going to have to trust me on this. Of course, the difficulty is compounded by the fact that I've never really been in a serious theatrical production. And that I haven't looked at sheet music in over 16 years. And that my vocal range is honestly that of an 80s hairband. And that I don't have a piano here at home to help me find my notes and practice.

The Stepmother is not a major role, but she does have a few brief solos to sing, and tonight I tried to tackle one of them. Oh, and it was a valiant effort, but it's Sondheim, and valiant just won't cut it. Weird notes and of course they are similar to another one of my solos, but just different enough that it makes my head spin completely around and causes me to shoot fire out of my mouth, ears, and nose. Look out, castmates!

Tonight I stood up in the front of the room--thankfully most of the cast had been released. And tried my hardest to hit the notes, and did so with maybe 20% accuracy. And every time we'd have to stop and start over again at a slower pace than before, I'd become more and more frustrated. But more and more determined to get it right. Alas, it wasn't in my cards to get it right tonight. And as the attempts added up, I got more and more flustered, a note here, a missed beat there. I am really feeling stretched and challenged.

My Speak 'n Spell was one of my favorite toys as a young kid (nerd, much?). I remember when I first got it having the toughest time with some of the more advanced words, and remember thinking that it shouldn't be that hard, that I should know this, and that I should be able to get it right. But every time that computer voice would beep and say in it's robotic voice, "That is incorrect. Try again," I would just want to scream out in frustration and chuck the red plastic know-it-all across the room.

That's what tonight felt like.

This is really hard. And I'm not very good at it, yet. But that's the thing, I'm determined to get this right. They obviously cast me because they think I can do it--although I think both the acting and musical directors may have had their doubts tonight. So now I just need to go and prove it to them. And, I need to prove it to me. Driving home from the rehearsal--slightly mortified that I am leading the remedial pack--several thoughts filled my head. I thought what if they tell me I'm "fired" from the play, or how long will they give me to get this right, or what if I just freeze up on stage, standing still and singing is one thing, but add in dancing, and counting, and memorizing your lines and all of the songs and thinking and breathing... WHAT AM I DOING?

And then, then I silenced the voice of that gremlin. Because they did cast me. And I can do it. When I put my mind to it, I can do a lot of things. I can do this, and I'm going to do this. And the path might not be pretty, but it will be worth it. I've never been one to give up and I'm certainly not starting now. I dry those tears of angry frustration and remember that I can finally spell ocean. OCEAN, OCEAN, OCEAN, and that's because of me.

I'm not gunning for a "best supporting actress" nod here, but I am thinking I will most certainly be the "most improved," and that's because of me.