And so it goes

I've tasted my own medicine, and it isn't so great. All those guys I eschewed for liking me too much, I'm feeling their pain, at least I think I am.

NF and I are in the weird zone, and I'm thinking we've passed the point of no return. All week I've been trying to restrain myself from self-abuse about how everything has transpired, and that's left me exhausted. I'm not going to go into the weeds on this, but suffice it to say: trust your intuition. When you think someone is out on a date with another girl, or that reciting half of a volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica on a voicemail message (especially when it includes the words, "I throw myself into life 100%." WTF?!) may be a little over the top, you're probably right.

But I need to stand up for myself (for myself, against myself) and say that my longwindedness all made perfect caring-in-a-friendly-way-sense in the context of the situation, but it was grossly misconstrued. And because of that the truth came out about him dating other people, and I have to admit that was a punch in the gut. True, we had never had any sort of status talk, but we were at a point where I had made an assumption. Silly me.

But I think the real root of all of this was the fact that I liked him too much, or at least showed it too much, too early. I killed the chase, and in doing so dampened the spark. I knew it when I was doing it and I just couldn't help myself; someone else was running the show. I hate it when I'm on the receiving end of that, but I was like a girl possessed and just. Couldn't. Stop.

I thought this was different. I thought I was different. I thought this would end differently. But everything that felt different is actually the same. And that's just plain old disappointing.