I feel a skin graft coming on

A few weeks ago, I went out and bought myself a new mattress. The weekend I started demolition on the kitchen, I had a new bed frame delivered to me, which means for four months I had an empty bed frame in my bedroom. And I was still sleeping on my old bed (that only had a Hollywood frame). So there was my room, one bed no frame, one frame no bed. Oh and two dressers, but that's a completely different story.

The time had come for me to bite the bullet and replace the bed I've been sleeping on since I left college. I knew this day was coming, and have done some pre-mattress shopping. Part of me really wanted a Tempurpedic, but thought I might sweat to death because I hear they can trap body heat, and when I sleep I'm a giant kiln. So there I was, thinking "To Tempurpedic, or not to Tempurpedic..." when lo-and-behold, Mr. Mattress salesman showed me this "hot" new item, that's really not hot, it sleeps much cooler than a Tempurpedic, he said. It's a mattress made out of latex.

After much hemming and hawing, and tossing and turning, I decided on latex--and I know that I'm not the only person that thinks that's just a funny thing to make a bed out of.

Because my old bed was a full (so tiny), and my new bed is a queen, it was time to go shopping for all new bedding. So I spent the better part of a morning wandering around a big box store comparing sheets. When I thought I had finished my search, I ran across a set that was the most luxurious I've ever felt. They had to have been 10,000 count of only the finest hand spun and woven Egyptian cotton. And, Ms. Sheet saleswoman told me, they wick away moisture.

I'll take them.

I went home immediately and threw my sheets in the wash, anxious to make my new grown-up bed. As I pulled the sheets out of the wash, I noticed on the tag that these were not cotton sheets. No. In fact, they were polyester.

Immediately my brain flashed to the worst-case scenario: me in bed, house on fire. Sleeping on latex covered in polyester. The good news: I won't be sweating. The bad news: I think the whole of my bed will melt onto my body.

Note to self: Cigarettes are banned from the bed. Wait, I don't smoke.