Beating the coin operated car wash at its own game

This is an excerpt from the hypothetical conversation you (and when I say you, I mean the Internets) and I had yesterday morning.

Me: Give me four dollars in quarters and six minutes and I can have your car washed at the local "Spray 'N Wash."

You: Oh, yeah? Name. That. Tune.

Me: Game on! Take notes, friend.

Step 1: Drive down the road in your dirty car that has been sitting under a tree collecting little sprinkles of sap and that also appears to be regular target practice for neighborhood crows.

Step 2: Approach the coin-op car wash and force yourself to pull in.

Step 3: Keep fingers crossed that you have single dollar bills or quarters to cover the entire wash. It would really be un-fun if you ran out of money mid-soaping.

Step 4: Find a total of four dollars--because no way are you changing your $20 bill into all quarters. Give yourself a Vince Lombardi-esque pep talk that although most people you know end up spending $8 or so on this, you can do this in $4. It's not everything... it's the only thing!

Step 5: Stretch.

Step 6: Talk yourself through your game plan, make certain you are crystal clear on the plan and do not be tempted at the last minute by the presoak, or the engine or the tire cleaners--those are there to lead you astray and suck up your money.

Step 7: Tell the crazy person that has wandered into your car washing stall that no, you don't have any spare change, that this is a very serious competition between you and sprayer, and that if they know what's good for them they'll steer clear (okay, don't really say that, but think it as you deny him any of your valuable quarters).

Step 8: Insert $2 and only $2, this is the minimum amount needed to fire up the fun.

Step 9: With the machine on the rinse setting, yes, rinse, quickly spray down the car so that it is sprays off some of the surface dirt and is primed for actual washing. This should take no longer than 20 seconds.

Step 10: Run to the machine (thankful you are wearing workout pants and flip flops as this is a soggy job), and quickly change it to the foam brush. Immediately start soaping up the car with the lathery brush. I like to start on all of the top surfaces, roof, trunk, hood and then move to the sides. The machine will start beeping at you and make you panic with one minute remaining. Whatever you do, do not insert more money. This is what it wants you to do, but you must resist. Turn to the machine and say, la la la la la la, I can't hear you (but don't stick your fingers in your ears when you do this, they are covered in soap). You see, even after the time runs out, the brush, it's still foamy and it's still brushy. You can continue to keep scrubbing away long after the beeping stops. Take your time and make sure you really get the whole car.

Step 11: Insert your other $2, and begin the actual rinse cycle. Now you have two minutes to rinse. You really only need one, but you have to pay the minimum $2, so you can rinse and rinse and rinse. Nice and thorough.

Step 12: If you are really cool, operative word being cool, you could pack your own shammy and dry that car streak-free. Don't travel with shammy? Then do what my dad does and peel out from the car wash driving down the road really fast. Oooh, look! See the beads of water fly from the car? Kids, LMNT does not condone or encourage speeding on city streets, all's I'm saying is that's one way to dry your car... options, you know?

Step 13: As you drive away, speeding or not speeding, laugh because you did not let the beeping stress you out and cause you to throw more money away in a panic-stricken state. Take that "Spray 'N Wash."

Actually you could probably do this in fewer steps, stretching is for wimps.