4.11.2011

Wanted: flint

Internets, it appears it was coincidence.

I have given it a really good effort (and more than that I've given it a lot of thought, so much so that I think I hurt myself in the form of a migraine, seriously), and just don't feel a spark with the Hurler.

Freaking spark.

When the marinara jar and I broke up--after a year-and-a-half--that's what he said. He didn't feel that spark. I was devastated and was also incredulous. How could he say that? And even more, how could he not feel a spark? As it turns out, I really didn't feel the spark either, only I didn't want to admit it. Because that's what I do; I jump into relationships and make them work--I'll be damned if I don't work the heck out of those relationships.

Since he and I broke up four years ago, the concept of spark has gotten more and more important to me. Which is a bit of a challenge when you're a relationship jumper like I've been. It's easy to want to believe there are sparks. And believe me, I've wanted to believe it. But the more I fool myself, the harder it is down the road. And I'm at the point with the Hurler where I just need to put down the two sticks I've been furiously rubbing together, because even lighter fluid wouldn't help my cause.

I'm really particular. I know this. In fact, the Olympian (the most recent boyfriend that I never even wrote about), gave me a very empty good luck wish and basically told me that he doesn't think I'll ever find what I'm looking for because my standards are just way too high. Of course, I don't believe him, and I forgive him that comment as I had just told him I didn't feel a spark (after taking him home to Denver to meet my family). I knew what he was feeling, I have been in those shoes. But it's true, I didn't feel a spark and as hard as it was to say that to him, I am much happier being alone than I am being with him. My belief is that if I feel that way, then I'm not in the relationship I should be in. Nobody deserves that, even if the cruelty of that reality is completely unintentional. But it is what it is, I can't deny it and I couldn't let it go on that way. Even if it seemed easier to settle.

And I find myself in a similar position with the Hurler. Granted, I've not brought him home to meet the family, so maybe I'm learning to recognize and admit the absence of spark sooner. But I do know this, I'm not going to settle. When my head and heart do battle, my heart always wins. Which brings me back to the awful migraine I had yesterday. I've only had maybe five migraines in my life (not counting the couple of ocular migraines) and up until recently, they've been spaced out over the course of a few years. However, the last two have happened in the past three months and it's got me thinking about their root cause. After I talked myself down from metastasized brain tumor, I began to wonder if it was the physical effects of my head battling my heart and the heart winning? I could tie yesterday's to the things I was thinking and feeling (or not feeling) with the Hurler, and the other most recent one came when I was struggling with (more like avoiding) the break up with the Olympian. You see, both the Olympian and the Hurler logically are good fits for me--on paper they sizzle brighter than a sparkler on the 4th of July. My head really likes them. But realistically, neither of them are the right fit for me--in person my heart feels more fizzle than sizzle. And it's nothing against them as people, they are both great guys, they just aren't the great guy that I know is out there for me. The one I know I want to wait to find. The one who will be an amazing partner and father to my children. And I'm not giving up hope, I do believe he's out there and I really do hope I find him sooner rather than later, but I'm going to give myself a break for the time being.

Besides, I was afraid to strike matches until I was in my senior year of high school and my head is totally already waving the white flag and yielding to my heart, probably indefinitely.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

yay for you. DO NOT give up hope. i'm proud of you for not trying to make this work. your guy is looking for you. sorry to hear about your migraine. ugh