Wanted: flint

Internets, it appears it was coincidence.

I have given it a really good effort (and more than that I've given it a lot of thought, so much so that I think I hurt myself in the form of a migraine, seriously), and just don't feel a spark with the Hurler.

Freaking spark.

When the marinara jar and I broke up--after a year-and-a-half--that's what he said. He didn't feel that spark. I was devastated and was also incredulous. How could he say that? And even more, how could he not feel a spark? As it turns out, I really didn't feel the spark either, only I didn't want to admit it. Because that's what I do; I jump into relationships and make them work--I'll be damned if I don't work the heck out of those relationships.

Since he and I broke up four years ago, the concept of spark has gotten more and more important to me. Which is a bit of a challenge when you're a relationship jumper like I've been. It's easy to want to believe there are sparks. And believe me, I've wanted to believe it. But the more I fool myself, the harder it is down the road. And I'm at the point with the Hurler where I just need to put down the two sticks I've been furiously rubbing together, because even lighter fluid wouldn't help my cause.

I'm really particular. I know this. In fact, the Olympian (the most recent boyfriend that I never even wrote about), gave me a very empty good luck wish and basically told me that he doesn't think I'll ever find what I'm looking for because my standards are just way too high. Of course, I don't believe him, and I forgive him that comment as I had just told him I didn't feel a spark (after taking him home to Denver to meet my family). I knew what he was feeling, I have been in those shoes. But it's true, I didn't feel a spark and as hard as it was to say that to him, I am much happier being alone than I am being with him. My belief is that if I feel that way, then I'm not in the relationship I should be in. Nobody deserves that, even if the cruelty of that reality is completely unintentional. But it is what it is, I can't deny it and I couldn't let it go on that way. Even if it seemed easier to settle.

And I find myself in a similar position with the Hurler. Granted, I've not brought him home to meet the family, so maybe I'm learning to recognize and admit the absence of spark sooner. But I do know this, I'm not going to settle. When my head and heart do battle, my heart always wins. Which brings me back to the awful migraine I had yesterday. I've only had maybe five migraines in my life (not counting the couple of ocular migraines) and up until recently, they've been spaced out over the course of a few years. However, the last two have happened in the past three months and it's got me thinking about their root cause. After I talked myself down from metastasized brain tumor, I began to wonder if it was the physical effects of my head battling my heart and the heart winning? I could tie yesterday's to the things I was thinking and feeling (or not feeling) with the Hurler, and the other most recent one came when I was struggling with (more like avoiding) the break up with the Olympian. You see, both the Olympian and the Hurler logically are good fits for me--on paper they sizzle brighter than a sparkler on the 4th of July. My head really likes them. But realistically, neither of them are the right fit for me--in person my heart feels more fizzle than sizzle. And it's nothing against them as people, they are both great guys, they just aren't the great guy that I know is out there for me. The one I know I want to wait to find. The one who will be an amazing partner and father to my children. And I'm not giving up hope, I do believe he's out there and I really do hope I find him sooner rather than later, but I'm going to give myself a break for the time being.

Besides, I was afraid to strike matches until I was in my senior year of high school and my head is totally already waving the white flag and yielding to my heart, probably indefinitely.