Becoming a valley girl

Note to self: Stop thinking and just breathe and feel.

I'm anxious. I've been anxious for a couple weeks now. I've got an improv showcase tomorrow evening and I'm all up in my head about it. And, since I've been knocking around my head for quite some time, I think I have it all figured out.

I've been doing bad improv lately (is it any coincidence that when you type in improv in Microsoft Word, it auto corrects it to "improve?" Hmmmm), and that's been troubling to me. It's not so much that I've been bad that's bothering me, it's the fact that I just absolutely freeze. I'm not offering anything up to my scene partners and just lose all sense of character. I think this is the result of two things, 1) the natural process of learning, and 2) the ghost that haunts me.

I don't know why I think that I am exempt from the learning process--the process where you learn new techniques and skills, and without a doubt you always get worse before you get better. But it took me awhile to catch on to the fact that I was in that valley of trying to break myself of my old habits and incorporate new and more productive habits. I'm desperately trying to climb my way out of it, but I think I may need to wallow down here a little more. I'm trying to rush my way out of this "phase," when really I think I need to just be in it and soak it all in, so that when I do eventually get out of here, I'll be on solid ground and won't ever slip back down to the very bottom.

But the problem is that my little ghost is what's trying to nudge me out of this valley; the little ghost I like to call perfectionism. Ah, yes. That is one I have yet to shake, or at least tame. Ever since I can remember, I have been an extreme perfectionist, down to every minute detail. And that still appears to be my M.O. (case in point, the kitchen). Therein lies the rub between my natural tendencies and improv. In improv, there is essentially no right or wrong, there is just how you respond to what you are given. It's all about reaction. Sure there is thinking involved, but I think the key is to get as comfortable as you can with the fundamentals so that you can turn your brain off and just go with what you're given. And lately, my freeze is coming from me trying to make sure that I hit all of the fundamentals and that I make the perfect choice, or give my partner the perfect offer. And by virtue of stopping and thinking, I essentially render "perfection" impossible.

And, okay, this probably applies to more in my life than just improv.

So I'm going to resist the ghost and the urge to be perfect (am thinking this is much easier said than done), and I'm going to put on some good ol' galoshes and much around in this valley until I have a complete lay of the land. I'm going to try and stop myself from over thinking and allow myself to just react.