Surely not to be named Most Photogenic

I'm 98% committed to online dating again. I'm trying something new this time and we'll see how it goes. You do realize what this means for you, Internets, don't you? Yes. More frequent blog posts due to the almost certain crazy dating stories I will be collecting.

But you'll have to wait until I muster up that other two percent of commitment. One half of it is paying for the genius algorithms to find me prince charming, and the other half is me finding some more recent--and decent--pictures of myself, of which I have none.

It appears that in the last 6-9 months, the only pictures that have been taken of me are either me in heavy stage make-up and a sky-high Marge Simpson/Amadeus wig, or of me doing barracuda. What is barracuda, you ask? Well it is simultaneously the most funny and most hideous picture that has ever, E-V-E-R-! been taken of you. It's like a college hook-up, fun for a night, but after that you must destroy all evidence of it ever happening. And because I have no photographic evidence of barracuda to show you (seriously, this is the stuff that would ruin political careers), I'm just going to have to tell you how to do it yourself.

Step 1: Take a deep breath and face the person holding the camera. Make sure they act quickly, this happens fast and they can't be slow on the trigger.

Step 2: As obnoxiously as you can, blow all the air in your lungs out through your mouth with your lips closed but loose. You should be making what best resembles "motorboat" mouth, or, you know, that horse sound.

Step 3: As soon as you start doing that, the person with the camera needs to take the picture. If you have a slow one, they should probably press the button while you're taking your deep breath.

Step 4: Look at the picture and pee your pants laughing, because you look ridiculously terrible. I'm sorry to say it, but you do. Guaranteed. The only people that look good in these photos are those who are doing it wrong. Looking good is impossible.

And, because I'm trying to make a good impression with potential suitors, barracuda photos will not be posted on the dating site. It's a face that not even a mother could love, but damn if it's not funny.