Giving him "friends"

There is something going on inside the male brain that perplexes me greatly. And I've heard it enough times to think it's more than just a coincidence. I think it's a little more global, it's what I like to call the Kevin Arnold (KA) syndrome. And to be fair, whenever I encounter someone suffering from the KA syndrome, I immediately have a Becky Slater (BS) reflex.

The Wonder Years was pretty foundational to my adolescent development, which is why I think this syndrome and subsequent reflex resonate so soundly with me (and potentially why all the 30-something guys I date seem to have this chronic disease). This particular episode is emblazoned in my mind--and absolutely nails how people generally are in relationships... in junior high and even as adults. In the event you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the gist:

Kevin is going steady with Becky, but he really likes Winnie. When he realizes he may have a chance with Winnie, he breaks up with Becky and it goes a little something like this:

KEVIN: Becky, we have to break up. I still like Winnie Cooper. We can still be friends though. [BECKY half-turns then turns back. KEVIN pats BECKY's shoulder... BECKY punches KEVIN in the stomach as she stands up.]

BECKY: Oh yeah, "friends?!" [Another punch in the stomach.] I'll give you "friends." [BECKY slugs KEVIN's chin, knocking him to the ground, then storms out of the room.]

In the endings of all of my longish-term adult relationships, this has always been one thing that's driven me crazy, the "I'd-like-to-still-hangout-and-be-friends" phenomenon. I was talking with DangerGirl yesterday, and she joked about how it's always like the guy is giving us a consolation prize, "Thanks for playing. Sorry you didn't win, but I have an excellent parting gift for you, you can continue hanging out with me!" Whoopee!

And it's that absolute idiocy that triggers my BS reflex. When New Friend made me the Kevin Arnold offer, it was everything I had not to punch him in the gut and give him "friends." Instead I scoffed at the idea and told him that I hardly think that will be possible. Which got me thinking, as I drove away from his place, "why do guys always think that's the alternative we're looking for?" Which lead me to, "why do I always reject it immediately?" Which has me thinking now, "maybe I can be a little more open to forgiveness and love."

Note to self: You can be better than Becky Slater. Rise above the BS reflex.

That's not to say that I'm going to actively pursue friendship with New Friend, I'm actually going to do nothing for awhile and there is still a huge part of me that really wants to de-friend him on Facebook. But maybe, just maybe if I take a moment to pause and think of him in terms of friendship, it will serve me better than thinking of him through the resentment I'm carrying in my heart. Just a thought.