New virgin hair

Without further ado, the post you've been waiting for (oh, man I hope I haven't built this up too much...)

When was the last time you thought about your eyelashes? I mean really thought long and hard about your eyelashes? Well, if you belonged to my gym, they would certainly be top of mind, as they should be. I mean, eyelash health should without a doubt be a top priority.

Among the many amenities the gym boasts, one of them is an advanced spa/salon, that clearly has its finger on the pulse of breakthrough beauty technology. Below is the content--verbatim, people, I cannot make this stuff up--of a flyer posted in the locker room announcing some exciting new research:
--
J-- M------ Skin Research

NEW!

Age Intervention Eyelash Conditioner*
Breakthrough Technology

A Stunning Technology Gives You the Lashes of Your Dreams!
Your Lashes Will Appear Fuller, Thicker and More Lustrous!

Age Intervention Eyelash Conditioner can produce dramatic improvement in the appearance of volume, texture and density.

By using breakthrough technology that features reconstructive components, Age Intervention Eyelash Conditioner prevents new virgin hair from being adversely affected by cosmetic and environmental factors.

Plus, by increasing flexibility and preventing breakage, eyelash hair can reach its full potential. Users will quickly perceive that their lashes appear far fuller and more lustrous.

*.23 oz mascara-style tube with eyeliner brush applicator (one tube lasts about six months)
--
Just sit with that for a moment.

Note to self: Christmas is coming... I think eyelash conditioner would make the most perfect gift for everyone on my list.

I love two things about this. One, that this conditioner "prevents new virgin hair" from being hurt by all the vile and disgusting things in this world. We must protect the virgin hair! People, unite! I mean we all know cosmetics, and we all know that they only have one thing on their mind and that's to get in the proverbial pants of the nubile and pure eyelid hair. Thank goodness we have this protection we can dole out, but that really makes you stop and think, shouldn't we be teaching abstinence to the young and innocent lashes? Oh, my, this could cause quite a heated debate.

And two, my eyelash hair can reach its full potential. Finally! I mean seriously, it's been slacking off for quite sometime now. At first I thought that maybe there was something wrong with it and that it was simply underachieving, but now I know it was just bored. It will finally be able to live its eyelash destiny. Yesssss!