One of those posts

This is going to be one of those posts where I just start writing and we'll just have to see where my meandering rambles lead. It's one of those posts where I'm writing because I've got a lot going on in my brain, and I need to process it somehow, and I'm tired of having conversations with myself in my car (yes, out loud) during my commute to and from work, so instead I'll have it with the Internets. It's one of those serious posts.

I'm really struggling right now.

I know that I have an amazing life. And I feel very fortunate to be able to say that. I try my hardest not to take that for granted, and to recognize that the amazing is a result of my hard work, and sometimes even scary risks. I wouldn't really classify myself as an ambitious person; when I think of ambitious people I think of people that truly know what they want and go out and get it. I think of my little brother, who has had a dream job since he was in the first grade--a dream job that in all reality is not really a job that is accessible to the average person. To even be considered for this dream job you have to overcome so many barriers and obstacles, certain things have to align, and you have to preform so perfectly, that most people who would ever dare dream of this job would not truly pursue it, and even fewer would actually have the chance to move from pursuit into being considered for it. But little brother doesn't let that deter him. And he is actually is a finalist for his dream job--this is just unbelievable. He's an incredible source of inspiration for me--and I don't think he knows that. I am so gosh darn proud of him and am utterly in awe of his ability to stay focused for nearly 25 years on this dream. Guess what my dream job was when I was a first-grader? Dallas Cowgirl.

So, there's little brother, on the precipice of making his dream happen. And here's me, still trying to figure out my dream. Obviously I'm not--nor ever will be--a Dallas Cowgirl. And I never even really wanted to be one. And since giving up that dream, one that I probably really gave up in the mid-1980s when I lost my blue and silver pompoms, I've had dozens of "dream jobs." The job I'm currently in is an iteration of one of my dreams, and I really do enjoy it. But here's the thing, my dreams are so fleeting. I'm not like little brother who has known what I wanted for a quarter of a century. I'm lucky if I know what I want and hold onto it for longer than two or three years. Then I get bored and I think, okay what's bigger and better and next? But even despite not having that one enduring long-term dream and not being what I would consider ambitious, I have been able to make some really cool things happen in my life. All of that is not lost on me. I do see that I have a lot of power, that I do have the ability to have laser focus when I want it, and that I can use both of those to create things that I want in my life, even if those things are fleeting.

But I'm still struggling.

And here's what I'm struggling with: I do have a long-term dream and I have known what I wanted to be since the first grade (even earlier actually). And what frustrates the hell out of me is that I can make all these other amazing things in my life happen, all of these other things that at times can seem ridiculously random, but no matter how hard I try I cannot manifest this seemingly common and simple thing. And the fact that I can't do that scares me.

I have always dreamt of having a family, of being in a loving relationship, of being a parent. It's the one dream that has never been fleeting, the one dream I've held in my heart longer than any other dream, and it's the one dream I have yet to realize. And I live with the fear, a fear that grows stronger every year, that this may be the one thing in my life that I can't make happen.

Internets, I'm not throwing this out there because I want your sympathy, or because I'm looking for advice, because I'm not. Especially if that advice treads anywhere near the lines of: "Little Ms. Notetaker, when you stop trying that's when you'll find it," or "good things come to those who wait," or heaven forbid "you should try online dating." I've heard all of those things more often than I have wanted. I'm not looking to be consoled here, I'm just throwing up my arms in teenage-like angst and screaming out a giant "WTF?!"

In all honesty, I don't like admitting what I just did. I want to erase all of that rambling (except for the part about how proud I am of little brother). I really feel ashamed, and foolish, and whiny, and pathetic for saying all those things, but it is an honest-to-goodness fear. And it's not my only fear. My other fear is that all of the amazing things I have made happen in my life are actually in response to my incapability to handle the fact that I have this open and unanswered dream out there. And that living with that reality is too painful to bear. So, I create other temporary "dreams" that I can pursue to compensate. And because I'm a hard worker and am ambitious enough, I can chase those temporary dreams and accomplish them. However, maybe I end up completely screwing myself because pursuing them with the tenacity I do actually takes me further away from my real dream. But it keeps me in a safe little bubble where I don't have to face reality, and where I can say, look at how amazing I am, I can do so much. And what I'm really saying, in incredulous subtext, is, "LOOK AT HOW AMAZING I AM! HOW CAN I STILL BE SINGLE?!" Not realizing that my efforts to protect myself might actually be a horribly awful self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe it would have been easier if I'd have stuck with Dallas Cowgirl.